Lawi S. Njeremani
In the run up to a fine dining & networking workshop in October 2022, I remained inquisitive about one subject. Can etiquette be switched on and off?
The facilitator’s response was, generally, that “during any type of event you always need to adhere to proper etiquette. Be it a business/professional event, a social event with family/friends/significant other. In the privacy of your home, go ahead and tuck you napkin in you shirt, eat you food with fingers etc.” She concluded remarkably and most memorably that to “remember that in any public space people are always watching.”
credit: Vanessa Luff
Perhaps the Johari Window might be the best framework to understand the conscious and unconscious biases that we project and help to increase our self-awareness and understanding of others.
Source: Lifevise
It is my observation that in public spaces people become self-conscious mainly as a factor of the “Hidden Self” and/or the “Blind Self”. A young lady walking on the walk path at the university may be wondering whether she is cool enough or fits into the conventional standards of a person worthy of friendship. A recent high school graduate walking into the library wonders whether he is not getting a table to study as everyone has put their bags on every other empty seat and he wonders if it is because of his lanky structure, for which he was teased throughout his last year of high school. A recently divorced mother of two who has been ostracized by her community walks in the streets of Guelph where she moved to get away from the condescending stares of community members in downtown Toronto still harbours the stigma heavily borne when she makes eye contact with people who look away.
The import of my illustrations is that the interactions that we have on a daily basis are the culmination of a series of previous experiences. We all meet at the bus park, in buses, in the parking lot, in offices, in the cafeteria or even in the streets and bars having either had good or bad experiences from social interactions. All those experiences create a cocktail of positive and negative energy to which we subject ourselves or others to.
To cover for their perceived shortcomings, many people develop a coping or defensive mechanism. Some go on the offensive so that interactions with strangers are characterized by a “do unto them before they do unto me” mentality. Mean mugging becomes their default public face. Other variations include scoffing at strangers who make eye contact by sneering and turning their heads away.
In offices, shopping malls and cafes or similar public spaces where services are rendered, the defenses are tactfully camouflaged in wry smiles that soon morph into a squint when the subject of service is gone. Yes, the hidden and blind self do manifest even in the work spaces and they inform how the client experiences regardless of the company or organizational policies on customer service.
Back to my inquisition on etiquette. I had the good fortune of reading the book First Things First by Stephen Covey, Roger and Rebecca Merrill and I took away several key messages that still ring loudly more than a decade since I read the book. The authors presented the need for balance in synergy between the physical, spiritual, mental and social. They went further to comment that, “If we operate from the “touching bases” paradigm, we may see the physical need of earning a living as separate from our spiritual need to contribute to society.” The work we choose and how we execute it may even be counter-productive to society’s welfare.
The authors discuss the Law of the Farm principle—which states that a good harvest comes from a diligent and consistent effort in farming activities. They pose the question: “Can you cram and suddenly become a person of integrity?”
In the context of my inquisition, can one cram the notes from an etiquette workshop and suddenly become cultured? Certainly not. This, just like the law of the farm, requires diligent and consistent effort. The process then becomes the terrifying part and can be a source of anxiety for many because the opportunities to exercise etiquette in fine dining are rare due to various reasons—top among them being the cost.
So how does one navigate the ugly pupal stage of mastering etiquette, especially when it is known that in any public space people are always watching? One may never get the opportunity to correct the lapse in etiquette with people you may never influence in the future but who may then influence the perception others have of you. The authors of First Things First proffer a remedy which they discuss as a composite of “True North”, including:
- Self-awareness: The Capacity to examine our thinking, our motives, our habits and tendencies
- Conscience: The internal guidance which allows us to sense when we act in a way that’s contrary to principle.
- Independent will: Our capacity to act. We are the product of our choices. We have the will power to act on self-awareness, conscience and vision.
- Creative Imagination: Power to solve problems synergistically, which empowers us to visualize ourselves living our mission statement
All these may sound idealistic and may, thus, be relegated to more formal environments where everyone is expected to be at their best but the authors provide a cautionary statement based on a married couple who make their choices based on reactivity, scripting or urgency and if I may add, impulsiveness. When hard issues arise the couple discover they do not have the character and competence to interact synergistically in a positive way. They fall back on scripting—which may be very different if they are not principle-centered and those differences lead to polarization.
The boyfriend and girlfriend who care about nothing else other than their couple’s time and getting immersed in their own script may discover after years of dating that they have not built an ecosystem to enable their relationship grow beyond their comfort zone.
The Manager who uses crass language with his team may survive potential shake-ups or discussions to let him go because he has a strong reputation as a professional who gets the best work done but he may potentially infuse the organization with a poisoned chalice culture that may outlive his reputation.
The Bartender who makes snide remarks about the clients he just served to his colleagues behind the counter needs to know that clients in the adjacent counter are watching.
Life is one indivisible whole. If we are duplicitous or dishonest in any role, it affects every role in our lives. The results may not be immediate and may even take a generation for the impact to be realized.
Perhaps this may be a good point for me to submit that etiquette cannot be switched on and off. One is either genteel all through—even in privacy, or chooses to be otherwise. Any scripting based on duplicity and not aligned to “True North” always serves a short-term gain with long-term consequences.
Comments are always welcome.
Read an expansion of this subject with Ms. Vanessa Luff: Etiquette essentials for a formal and professional setting with Vanessa Luff
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